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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people