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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
word of the day: nincomtard
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.