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Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.