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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come