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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.