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Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day