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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.