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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....