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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.