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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.