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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.