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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point