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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.