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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.