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THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.