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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.