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Will be drunk until further notice.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
The inside of my fridge: evidence that Iām still not a real adult.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"