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never be afraid to wipe twice
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball