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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.