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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.