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Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.