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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!