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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.