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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.