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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.