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People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.