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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.