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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.