Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.