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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.