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The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
2 words, 1 finger.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?