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Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.