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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy