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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.