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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.