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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
My favorite beer is the next one.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?