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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver