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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug