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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.