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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
The older I get the better I used to be.