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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.