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I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Anything is possible when you have no clue what you`re talking about
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....