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Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!