Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!