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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Ride me like you stole me.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Iām jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.