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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!