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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
i only drink on days that end with y
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!