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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
I should come with a warning label.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.