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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.