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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.