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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.