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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.