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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
What’s the answer to this question?
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.