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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
I read Facebook for the pictures.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.