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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.