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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....