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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!