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3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"