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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.