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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.